Okay magic dildo...meet my magic boobs! They are the same size as my head.

This lady walks in to a Porn shop one day complaining about the fact that her husband isn’t enough for her any more and that she is sexually frustrated. The guy behind the counter suggests a Dildo or Vibrator, the lady blushes as he shows her the different sizes and shapes she can choose from, Last but not least he shows her the ‘magic dildo’. Just say to the dildo what you want it to do and it will be done.

The lady goes home, reads the instructions carefully, places the dildo on the chest of draws, and lies on the bed naked with her legs spread. She say’s ‘Dildo – pussy’.

The dildo lifts off, turns around and shoots straight between her legs. After an unknown amount of time she tires of it and says ‘dildo – stop’ only to find that it doesn’t, it keeps going. She grabs it and pulls it out, dildo jumps strait back in however. She grabs it again, throws it across the room and runs out of the house screaming naked with the dildo chasing along after her. She runs around the corner to be confronted by a policeman wondering what she is doing naked on the street, she explains to him that a magic dildo is chasing her.

The policeman only laughs and says ‘Magic dildo my ass!’

I KNOW how to BLOW!

The more I suck, the faster you get off.

My thrust is what gets you up.

I have to get hot before I can blow.

What am I?

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A Jet Engine!

Do you like my knobs?

It turns me on when you play with my knobs.

After you make me hot, you shouldn’t touch me.

Stick your meat inside me any time you want to.

What am I?

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A Stove

How long can you last?

It takes a while to get hard enough for you to get on me.

Once I’m hard I can last a LONG time!

I’m always wet when you lay me.

What Am I?

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Concrete!

Between my lips? Or between my...

I’m about six inches long.

When you use me, my hairy end gets white and creamy.

You usually stick me between your lips.

What am I?

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A Toothbrush!

Can you find my buttons?

Press my buttons right and I’ll come all over your face!

I usually get spread all over your hairy parts

When you wipe me off, I get white stuff on your towel

what am i?

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Shaving Cream!

I only get laid once, lucky you!

What if:

• You only got laid once in your lifetime
• You only get eaten once
• It takes you 4 minutes to get hard
• …but only 2 minutes to get soft
• The one box you have is shared with eleven other guys
• And the only chick that sat on your face was your mother…

At least your life is better than the life of an egg!

There's nothing I can do now but sleep with my burberry bikini top on, and hopefully he will find his way out...

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

“If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked.

“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

“Go and get help!” he cried.

“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”

“Take my shoe”, he said, “and cover yourself.”

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do…he’s in too far.”

It's my first time, can you please be gentle? Hey what's in your pants? Oh wow that thing grows faster than this fake grass-in-my-ass!

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin’?

Fill my holes with your gooey liquid...but don't get my lingerie dirty!

You slide me in a slit to get me hot…

Your gooey liquid filles my holes…

You eat me in the morning…

what am I?

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A Waffle!